My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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