Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
