is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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