we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
