I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
