It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
