not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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