I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
