You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
