I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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