i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
