I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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