Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
