If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
It's rum buckets o'clock
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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