How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
