it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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