I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
