I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
