I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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