I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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