you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
