Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
