it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
