I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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