Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
