Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
