Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
