What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
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I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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