I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
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