why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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