I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
