I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I FOUND THE LEGS
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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