I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
