I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
