Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
