No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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