my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize