Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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