I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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