Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
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