i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
