the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
