My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
