It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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