Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
