I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Sorry about my life...
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
