Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
