I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize