The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
