Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
