Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
