When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
