Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
