I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
