Please, let me fuck your mom
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
