id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
