help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Dignity is for republicans.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
