Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
