Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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