the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
