I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
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After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
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passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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