Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Please don't give away my fajitas
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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