Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
