I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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